real journalism

Our War on Christmas - A Confession

In American conservatism's endless effort to add absolutely nothing to the national storehouse of wisdom, Fox News talking mouth, John Gibson, has added his own page waster with the explosive title, The War on Christmas - How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday Is Worse Than You Thought.

Aside from being one of the worst titles I've ever heard for a book, the grammer is questionable. So here's my question: Shouldn't this really be How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday is Worse Than you Think? Unless you already considered this wacked notion and dismissed it as just more wingnut hype, your average brain-dead christian probably thinks we liberals are still out to destroy the festival that celebrates the natural expulsion of the fruit of Mary's womb, Jesus.

Still, how could I fail to respond to such an idea. And so I did, in an Amazon review of the book that many others also commented on. Writing under my nom de plume, Justin Case, this is what I wrote:

This is dangerous information - not for the faint-hearted!, October 23, 2005
Reviewer: Justin Case

I must speak out against John Gibson and his inflammatory book, The War on Christmas, etc. Unfortunately, due to his pit bull-like research, Gibson has revealed the previously secret struggle that Christmas-hating liberals have been involved in for nearly 40 years.

While most of his facts are indisputably true, Gibson's history of the so-called Xmasian War fails to examine the true underpinnings of our grievances against Santa Clause and his regime.

With the advent of industrialization at The North Pole -- which due to a lack of infrastructure in the Polar region began later than in most parts of the world -- the highly-regarded Santa Claus style of management began to take on a more exploitative tone. Polar elves had for centuries been the main workforce, but as the Polar middle class grew and prospered, the original elves began to leave the harsh, frigid environment of the North Pole and started moving to warmer climates, most notably Las Vegas.

Back at the Pole, an alarming number of foreign elves were arriving, mostly from third world nations. In addition, ARFTA (Arctic Regions Free Trade Agreement) rules allowed more and more toy making to be done by children in countries like India, China and even the United States, where, fortunately, the true meaning of Christmas was lost decades ago.

When The ELF (Elven Liberation Front) began their insurrection in 1967, liberal knees jerked spasmodically, and with the covert assistance of the anti-Christmas Israeli Secret Service, the American Liberal Cabal declared formal war on Christmas in 1969.

At the time, our declaration was based on incontrovertible evidence that Santa had stockpiled WMD's (nuclear-tipped iceballs) and had used laughing gas on his own people.

Despite Gibson's revelations of our involvement in World Humanistic Terrorism, I want to assure all our comrades and supporters that liberals will never end the struggle against Christmas until all the goddess's children end this blind belief in the dangerous red menace known as Santa Claus.

With dangerous admissions such as these, you can now understand why I used an alias on the massively-accessed Amazon.com. Since viewer statistics for these pages are so low, I have no doubt that my complicity in this plot will remain anonymous.

posted by mauiloa @ 3:05 PM